2016 – The Cartoon Melodrama
Revisited.
“What happened?” Fair maiden Hillary titled her book.
Caught up in melodrama, she had no idea. Neither did anyone
else. Charlatans in the tangled web of media claim they did. Day old doughnuts
on Amazon will be the next rage also.
Premise: Tales will
be written for decades how we were taken with a defective leader. Here is one.
Background:
Playing the part of a stubborn half-ass: Donald Trump. A rich one, but mostly an ass. Nobody admires
asses. We watch them, we are entertained by them, like Snidely Whiplash in
Dudley DooRight. Donald’s our cartoon villain. Why won’t the villains give up
even when exposed? Because they are asses. Snidely was always trying to enrich
himself and rip off others. Asses only care about themselves. Except in the
advancement of self-enrichment there is no compassion.
Opening: Minage a
politic (Think Quinton Tarantino plot here.)
Enter Hillary, fair maiden, defender of women’s rights, champion
of the down trodden.
–Ah contraire mademoiselle. There is an air about you. Not
quite Snidely Whiplash, but certainly not Mrs. DooRight. Noble first lady,
Senator, Secretary of 757 travel, why must you always work the system? When
Monica happened why did you not dump Bill? He always had lifetime season
tickets to the tit races. He laid them on his desk for you to see. Is it that you
care for company of women only? Come out, come out. We are supportive now. –And, your carpet bag for senator of New York
Pepe Le Pewed a bit.
You want to be President? That’s our anointed elected Jesus
position. Reverence for it is ingrained our political psyche. -And we like an
organic Jesus, rough off the potato cart, not plastic, not prepackaged, not
designed by Armani.
Flashback 1992 –
Villains take over.
Our war hero elected Jesus lost to a heavy eye shadow, big
hair chasing draft dodger guy with a possible lesbian wife. How dare the
DooRights win the elected Jesus position with a villain clone. The president
must be pure! Okay, our Bush boy, wasn’t
pure. He was leftover bit player of our hair dyed Hollywood flunky production. We
will fight fire with fire.
Who are we? The Decepticons, rich guys in disguise. We will
make Congress a caucus of snake oil salesman. We’ll pay for Dick Dastardlys and
their Muttley sidekicks to get elected. Gone are the days of promotion of
business, economics, general welfare and strong defense. We want chaos.
Infiltrate congress with an inept Hanna Barbera cartoon army. Charge the president with getting oral sex and
not telling his lesbian wife. In the
mayhem, get rid of the death taxes and lower cap gains as well as dividend
taxes to 15 percent. Call it “The contract with America.” Most of America will think they get something.
The DooRight villain clone elected Jesus will do our bidding. To quote Muttley,
“Heh, Heh, Heh.”
Forward: 2008 (It
is very Tarantino now)
With one term as senior state rep Hillary calculates she
could make the final sprint everyone knew she was going to make since stepping into
the national psyche. But plot twist, WTF, there is a dark-skinned guy who makes
everyone think of freckles and Kansas.
He also has that story, “I plowed life’s manure into next Springs crop.”
God, he talks pretty. A newcomer there
wasn’t a snide side too him. A DooRight in the purest form, surrounded by
DooRights. After eight years of bumbling and death under decepticon Bush 2, the
nation and the world erupt into rocking celebration when he and the other
DooRights swept away most of the decepticon cartoon army. Maybe because he was
a DooRight of a different color but mostly because he wasn’t packaged recycled plastic.
He didn’t come from the political class, and he didn’t start in politics
thinking, “I want to be king someday.” He wanted to make things better. Everyone bought it. Hillary should have
learned a lesson there. Stay in the Senate earn your cred, instead she just
said, “VP is out of the question, hmm Secretary of State?” Snidely transparent
my dear.
Decepticon Outrage
2009 (Tarantino view behind the protagonists.)
Decepticons are incensed about John McCain, the icon of
Decepticon values, being defeated at the hands of someone, anyone, a
well-spoken, well -Dudley DooRight. Oh
yeah, yeah, he was bi-racial, came from a broken family, had father that was
Muslim. Did anyone know Kenya has Muslims before 2008? Had anyone ever thought
about anything besides lions and tigers in Africa in Kenya? Even though tigers
don’t live in Africa.
But that kids
video says they do. It wouldn’t have mattered who beat John McCain in 2008.
Jesus himself would have pissed off the Decepticons. Barrack was so squeaky clean,
eloquent and olive skinned he might be Jesus. 2008 was 1992 all over again.
They had been foiled. Mobilize the cartoon villain army!
Forward Cartoon
Villain Action Plan
What do Skeletor, Mr. Burns and Joker crowd do when they are
handed a defeat? Like a hungry Wile E Coyote they hatch another plot. Villains in congress will recruit wackier
villains to congress to unseat the DooRight allies of African Super Jesus. Together they would stop that ASJ guy.
2010 Wyle E. Coyotes
catch the Road Runner, success but foiled again?
Cartoon villains have a weakness: they are all sole
proprietors. They are in it for themselves. Sharing and compromise are for the
weak. Another villain is as much an enemy as a DooRight. As the new villains
took seats, they were unified in opposition to the African Jesus character who
would help all with cleaner air, financial security and aghast: healing
services. But there was no unity on anything else. Also, in the things never
appear as they are world of the decepticons plot hatching villains never
thought about who brought them to their little forum. Mr. Burns and Skeletor would just as soon
attack or the Joker as Jesus or Mr. and Mrs DooRight. But Mr. Burns never
considered a character like Megatron, not even residing on the Congress planet who
would sneak in other transformer robots that looked peaceful but are weaponized
to take them out. All the cartoon villains accomplished during this period was
revealing who they thought was the best pure villain and who were villains in
name only.
Meantime the DooRights stood and gave beautiful speeches on
truth, justice and DooRight to way. Couldn’t the villains just see if we pooled
together we could take care of each other. Just give up some of your villain
loot. We’d even care for less successful villains. They weren’t having it. By
2012 the villains had another plan. If the people wanted squeaking clean, they
had a guy who liked healing services. The perfect plastic molding transformer super
hero. Clean living, good looking, and good God slightly Mexican by missionary
invasion. Super Mitt would even take off his tie to look mild mannered. It didn’t
work. African Jesus had built a following. Great audiences around the country
were held. Though beautiful and rich super Mitt was shunned. Crowds still flocked to the poorer African
super Jesus.
Foiled twice by the ASJ the villains frothed. Bubbles of anger
and sorrow popped as they rose from the crowd of mean. All they could utter
was, “No, no, no!” In their combined
cries of the same word they saw their strength. ASJ had but 1460 days left on
this earth. It was as if he was already gone. He was powerless, as he was
outnumbered by the combined force of “No!”
Going forward, there would be only one truth. It would be the: “No!”
No, No, No, I would
be elected Jesus
One by one some of the Jokers, Dicks and Snidely’s saw an
opportunity in all this “No.” They would
apply for the African Super Jesus’s job.
They would be the supreme “No!” –And what they wanted to say “No!” to
the most was the fair maiden Hillary.
Recovering from four years of 757 jet lag and parties with
men in strange headgear who would have her wear complete Armani burkas, Hillary
only could manage a “Huh?” ASJ had worked her to near death spreading his words
of hope. She could barely stand or talk. Being an ASJ disciple was a lot of
work. She would tell people she didn’t even know if she wanted the ASJ job. The
villain crew and rest of the DooRights were sure she did. From the day she was
eighteen, she’d always wanted to be the first woman elected super Jesus. Like
gods, they could all see it. Like a villain, she denied her true intentions.
More and more cartoon villains announced their intention to
deny Hillary her crown. Was it eighteen, nineteen now? The TV cartoon spectator crowd lost count.
There were so many they all couldn’t fit in the same arena. Certainly not on
same television screen. Who were all these characters who hate Hillary? Why do
they hate Hillary? That’s when the
coffee shop latte and Facebook gossip started. “Well, if she was noble and
pure, she would have divorced Bill. She wouldn’t sell children to witches
baking them in ovens.” It went downhill
from there.
In the meantime, Don the Megatron, one of the great decepticons,
decided to descend from the heavens rich boy planet. The people needed direct
intervention. If African Super Jesus with his magical “beat the villain’s ways”
was an alien, he offered a gilded alternative. He even had his own cartoon show
dedicated just to him. Everyone wanted to be his apprentice. Gold, flying
around and having trump dominion in all the big cities seems so cool. Problem
with Don was he didn’t really have anything nice to say. He just hated everyone
besides himself and the other decepticons from rich boy planet. But he would
make the world better. Being an alien
robot, most of the other cartoon villains didn’t think much of the Don. They argued who could best destroy fair
maiden Hillary as the Megatron destroyed them with each episode.
1776-1789 The Origin
of the Species (A way back Tarantino Scene)
Where did all these “No!” people come from? The nation was founded by them. Who were the
pilgrims but the English 17
th Century utterers of “No!” They didn’t want to do the Pope’s or the
Kings version of
Jesus.
They had their own pure form. The
king sent them asunder to
get them out of his hair. Even to this day the ruling class thinks the best way
to get rid of people they labeled villains is to deport them. A great
deportation of the less desirables (second and third sons, serfs, criminals)
took place to a land where it was perfectly legal to show up and steal property
and ignore the King’s version of Jesus. Because, the natives of that land
didn’t believe in any version of Jesus.
The further south a person went in the “you’re free to steal
place” looting land took a bit of labor.
Solution: steal labor.
Grab some
people from Africa and whip them to work. (They were Muslims about to get
eaten by a
tiger or
something anyway. From now on we’ll just think of these whippers as the
original asses. )
The non-Jesus debating natives of North America took exception
to the influx of No and ass types. They teamed up with some
fur traders and made
war on the merchants of No. The No people took exception to being shot and
hacked up by the natives. They asked the
king for help. Not the king who sent them asunder, but a powder wiggy German guy
who got his job after a lot whacky stuff like murdering people for over a
hundred years because they liked the wrong version of Jesus depending who was
the king or queen or
interim
puritanical dictator. A king or two got murdered in the process and the
Brits invented parliament and told the king he only had dominion over the No
people in the colonies.
Stopping the hacking and shooting cost money. The king
wanted repayment for the rescue from the natives and fur mongers. Turns out the
No’s said “No.” Given their predilection for stealing stuff, they stole the
colonies from the king.
In the process of colony theft, a few of the No people
declared themselves
enlightened.
They would do right by the people unlike the king. They started giving do right speeches and
distributing do right pamphlets making declarations about all men being equal
and free. Of course, they already were free. The people wearing the crowns were technically
early American venture capitalists, setting up the No people in business, and
giving them lots of freedom. They just wanted return on investment. But when in
the act of stealing stuff, one ignores a lot (reality and contracts) especially
when the thieves have a we are enlightened story. Something that makes them sound like a Jesus
figure. “I’ll bind up your wounds, heal you, save you from agony, rid you of a
tyrant who wants profit. “ To make a 19
year saga short, a lot of people got shot and hacked, but the enlightened do
rights and No’s got away with it. The
king gave up and started
peeing
blue.
Divorcing a red coated blue peeing banker with a per chant
for repayment aside, the No’s found themselves truly asunder. After seven or
eight years of leaderless experience, where they couldn’t even agree on how to
strike
coins,
they decided to get together and discuss how they might govern. The DooRights
had some great, almost bible like, ideas: proportional representative
democracy, checks and balances so people could still say “No” mostly, and
regular elections so No people could divorce representatives that said “Yes”
too much.
As the enlightened DooRight and No villain convention
progressed, the African whipping colonies suspected the enlightened might have
a narrow point of view on whipping Africans.
Being well versed in stealing land and people they weren’t about to let
representative democracy steal their stolen goods. It was a bit like negotiating with the
Riddler. “The whipped are human but not a human.” The whip states would state.
“So, they are human?” The DooRights replied.
The riddle façade perplexed the DooRights. “It sounds like
your fucking them and they don’t get a vote.”
The villains from the whipping states smiled, “Oh everyone
gets fucked eventually.” There was a bit
of silence. Then the whippers stated their demands, “Basically if you want this
DooRight utopia, you have to make a deal with us fuckers.”
The DooRights hesitated. They debated among themselves,
deciding getting fucked for the greater good was the lesser of many fucked up
situations. In the end they decided “fuck it.” They started riddling with the
riddler’s. By the time they were done,
the states had both
equal,
but
unequal
representation simultaneously. Given all these fucked up representations,
the DooRights suggested there might need be a prime people’s representative.
Somebody to whip all these representatives into a focused body.
One of the African fuckers whipped back, “Sounds like you
need Jesus.”
The DooRights all smiled and held up their hands, “An
elected one, yes.”
This sent the original ass African fucking faction into a quorum.
There were a lot more
DooRights
than African fuckers. If the elected
Jesus was determined by just popular vote, they’d end up with DooRight after
DooRight elected as Jesus. –And DooRights
have a narrow point of view on African fucking. The villainous asses hatched a plot.
The
elected super Jesus could be by popular vote like the DooRights wanted, but each
state would hold separate elections. They would certify the state popular vote
and send representatives to a college electors to cast final super Jesus votes. Each state would get as many representatives
at the college as they had in Congress. Winner
of each state, got all the college votes.
Well, if the states make their electors vote the same way. Some said
they’d let their legislatures decide. It’s up to the states. The states have
the right to determine who they want for super Jesus.
The DooRights scratched their head a bit. The African whipping states already had extra
reps in the college for all the Africans they wanted counted but wouldn’t count
their vote. It occurred to the DooRights elected Jesus could get elected
without getting the most votes. “It sounds like most of the time we are going
to get a half-ass elected Jesus under your plan,” one of the DooRights finally
remarked.
The African fucking villains stood their ground. “You want your DooRight utopia or not?”
The DooRights were
trumped.
What Happened –
Really.
Cartoon villainy and DooRight ineptness aside, the odds of
becoming elected super Jesus are kind of like getting under a cheerleader’s
sweater. There are a lot of men around who are just plain left frustrated. The
guys that pull it off are full of intrigue and promises like the real Jesus. If there isn’t much intrigue we kind of get a
half ass dick.
The woman who would be super Jesus, never really inspired
us. Plus, she’s anything but pure
DooRight. The people smell pure. Purity has the scent of hope. She never told us how she hoped to make
America better. She just told us our
land of milk and honey wouldn’t be as bad as it would if a cartoon villain got
to be president.
The DooRights had pure guy. Bernie the man with a plan. He
wanted to rid the country of super villains.
The ones that controlled the cartoon villains from behind a cloak. Problem
was, people didn’t really know what a super villain was or did for that matter.
What was a Megatron transformer? And
moreover, if they were a Megatron, why couldn’t they be allowed to enjoy their
abilities? Wouldn’t we all like to be a transformer? 99.999 percent of people
had no chance of being a transformer but they were the root of the nation’s
problems? Bernie was a little obtuse.
Donald Trump inspired a bit with his “Make America Great
Again” slogan. The problem was, besides that sentence, pretty much everything
else he said made him sound like a half-ass Megatron.
Given lack of Hillary intrigue and inspiration and Donnie
half-ass talk, we the people were left with a toss-up. Neither were a super
Jesus. African Super Jesus inspired us enough to overcome the whacky college
system the original DooRights and African fucking villains came up with.
But Hillary, dear maiden, what happened to you? You failed to inspire enough to overcome the villainy
of the original cartoon villains. They reached out from their graves with their
college and like the Africans of the 17th and 18th
century, they fucked you.
