Science determines state of stick up Mitch McConnell's ass at SOTU

Harvard Medical and M.I.T. Mechanical Engineering teamed up last night with IBM's Watson's artificial intelligence engine to conduct a root cause analysis and associating pictures to the expressions of various politicians watching the President Trump state of the union speech.

Initially the study was to determine the mindset of Mike Pence and Speaker Ryan as they had to sit quietly behind the President on TV for 90 minutes.  (A picture being worth a thousand words.) Advanced AI algorithms correlated to web pictures of dog behavior with a biscuit being held in front of them by their owner.


Various other politicians were analyzed also as the camera panned across congress members. Chuck Schumer correlated to a spoon of probiotic  yogurt.


However IBM's Watson kept finding the following image from a 50's version of the Boy Scout Handbook each time the Senate Majority leader was panned by the camera.


IBM Watson also attached  the following line with the image : "Up his ass, and backwards too."

State of Trump

One year into the presidency Trump lost himself in.  -And yes “Lost” is probably the operative word. Don’t you think he seems like a wandering man being harassed by Sleestaks? Let’s review his progress on his promises.

1.       Mexico’s gonna pay for that wall. – Nope. No peso river from Mexico yet. The wall is more of a dam.  Kind of a money drought dike on both sides holding back floods of money in Don’s mind. Lots of discussion about “What is a wall?” There is ground swell, a something, that does not love a wall. Donnie ordered Robert Frost fired according to sources at the state department. He is the reason no one loves the wall.

2.       Make Obama Care Better. –Nope. Attempted to slash at it with a scalpel a lot. Screamed and yelled like a baby in emergency about how much “It hurts.”   Ripped off bandages like the individual mandate exposing wounds to infection, but as far as treating the patient, his bedside manner is as abrupt and expensive as his marriage endings.

3.       Bring back Coal. –Nope. Coal sucks to transport and burn compared to petroleum and natural gas.  Even with a Trump scalp reduction and elaborate comb over coal can’t hide its lack of sexy. 

4.       Cut Taxes. –Depends on endowment. If you already had more money than you needed to have a house, a car and feed your family, your twelve inches just became 14.  If not, you still have a four inch soft shaft. That $20 a week he gave you is like a single lick. It feels good, but the rest is up to you.

5.       America First.  –Yep.  If you interpret the phrase as “How many people can I piss off.” 

Wall Street Journal attributes economic boom exclusively to Donald Trump's election.

The Wall Street Journal in an Op Ed published over this weekend's highlighted all additional growth in the American economy is because of Trump's faults.

Not his virtues. His faults.

The article asserts that Donald Trumps erratic behavior and twitter habits have lead to extreme growth in the following industries:  telecom providers, media outlets, and graphic artists.

Speaking from a total data traffic increase, Lowell C. McAdam CEO of Verizon was quoted as saying, "Historically we've been going at 6000 percent since 1998.  This year is was 13,000.  If you look at the content of the extra data, Donald Trump or some derivative of his name or image almost always appears."

Randall Stephenson chairman if AT&T agreed.  "We're investing an extra billion in infrastructure this year because of the tax cut. We expect almost all of that to be consumed by Donald Trump chatter."

Doug Herzog CEO of Comedy Central also weighed in.  "Consider the amount of graphic artists we'd had to hire at New York wages in just the last year to lampoon the President. Its not just a cottage industry anymore. He created a whole industry. Graphic arts was dying, Trump rejuvenated over night." 

Democrats finally decide to show their asshole side. Republicans well....

World debates if Donnie weighs 239 or not.

In a briefing of the President’s health Rear Admiral Ronny Jackson reported that the president was in great shape for a guy weighing 239 lbs. Social media immediately flew into a frenzy about whether a man with as big a butt as Donald Trump has could only weigh 239.

Being a “rear” admiral Ronnie could only respond, “We did discuss the president does need to get more exercise.  Fat butts are bigger than muscular ones.  A pound of fat takes up two and half times the volume of equal weight of muscle.”

You heard it here first. According the military and the American Medical Association, the president is a fat ass. 

Donnie proposes a swear and lie jar to solve Emoluments issue.

In a recent tweet (now deleted) Donald Trump proposed he put swear and lie jar on his desk.  

“If the DEMS can handle shit talk, I’ll put a swear jar in the oval office. When I say shit, I'll take some of my hotel money and put it in the jar.” 

Following up in a multi tweet he continued: “I work for free. But hey, if you can’t handle bullshit, I’ll put money in for that too.”

“I made my hotels great again since becoming President. People want to stay there. I’ll pay so I can say all the shit I want.  That’s how rich I am.”

Poking the predator from the bait ball.

Over the weekend the American public bought two things like sardines in mating season: Powerball tickets and copies of “Fire and Fury.”  Why the lottery tickets?  To have a chance at heaven without predators.  “Fire and Fury,” to take a stab from the bait ball at a predator.

It turns out all presidents (including this one) don’t like to be refashioned by nebulous balls of spectators spewing poop from the cheap seats.

The American people know the points of this book have bullshit as their metal, but Donald wielded bullshit weapons for eight years as a spectator knowing Obama wasn’t Kenyan born, communist, Muslim or a gun hater.  But as you said Donnie, “People are saying it, so there must be something to it.”

How does it feel to move from a spectator tossing word manure into the arena to one of the gladiators sliding around in it?  Turns out those word weapons are sticky, even if they are wielded by crackpot no-talents.

Do we really think you eat Big Macs in bed, are mentally unbalanced, suffer from Alzheimer’s and like to watch hookers pee on Barrack’s bedsheets? Nah!  But stuck with you repeating the same four or five sentences for another three years, we poke you with shit points to see if you’ll make a new and interesting squeak. There is something to that.